You Can Help Yourself

The sun is out for the second day in a row.  Yesterday was a beautiful warm spring day that brought everyone out of their homes.  I could hear the soft echoes of hallelujah, as people were enjoying spring.  I have finally seen daffodils and tulips blooming.  Yes, we finally have some flowers to admire.

I was thinking about how this spring reminds me that life is always renewing itself.  We have the ability to make changes to renew our life and spirit. Sometimes changes are not without challenge, but we reflect back and we see that if relationships are not working we need to let go and move on. I was reminded yesterday, as I had lunch with friends, of a doctor back in 1998 that told me I had no right to be depressed or upset about my husband's cancer diagnosis.  He told me I didn't have cancer and I should be ashamed of myself.  I carried that around for along time.  He is same doctor that told my dad your wife is old and she is going to die.  He did not want to ease her pain or make her journey comfortable for her.   I remember my dad crying, and I immediately gave the doctor an earful.  We left his practice and never looked back.  It was the best thing we ever did, as years later he was arrested for harming his own family.

I recently read an article addressing the fact that when a patient gets a diagnosis of cancer their spouse, family, and friends are all mentally affected.  It reminded me of when a wife gets pregnant and the husband has morning sickness, or puts on some weight.  I laugh as I remember my husband on the day of our daughter's delivery.  He was exhausted, you would have thought he had given birth.  He told me he had to go home and go to bed and indeed he did.  I have reminded him that I have felt all of his pain with cancer. I think I had a lot of his side effects from chemo.  They are empathy effects.  We have them because we feel great anxiety over watching our loved one loose control of their life.  We are dealing with our own loss of how our life is changing, and we want so badly to stop the pain of our loved one.   It is an emotional roller coaster.  I am able to see now that there is no shame in feeling anxious or depressed.  It is the minds way of dealing with situational changes in our life.  I am so glad I let go of what that doctor said back in 1998, and I  thought enough of myself to find a doctor and therapist to help.

I hope that my own personal journey and strength to seek help to heal my mind will let other people see that is not a sign of weakness, but a sign of loving yourself enough to live a happy and fulfilling life.  We go to the doctor to heal our body and we must remember our minds are as equally important.   A healthy body needs a healthy mind.  Never give up on yourself.

I am off now to enjoy this beautiful day that God has graced us with.

Life is beautiful !!

Elizabeth

Finding Happiness and Peace and Coming Back to Life

Spring has slowly crept into our lives after what seemed to be the longest winter in history.  Today the temperatures are mild and it is raining.  We have had a lot of rain lately.  I guess it it safe to say April showers will bring May flowers.  The grass if finally starting to turn green.  I was wondering if we were destined to live in a land of dead shrubs and vegetation as winter had really taken its toll.

I decided it was a good day to stay inside and write.  My husband and I have been enjoying as much time outside as possible. We have been doing a lot of walking and enjoying watching life renew itself.  Spring is an amazing time of year.  We get to see everything come back to life.  And, I feel at this point we too are coming back to life. 

We attended the yearly Leukemia and Lymphoma conference on Saturday and met some wonderful doctors and patients.  I met a wife whose husband had just been diagnosed with lymphoma.  She was very overwhelmed and I could see the pain in her face.  I knew that pain, because I have been there.  I made a promise to myself the first of the year that with some small steps and determination I was going to end my pain. I was tired and mentally cooked.  I wanted to feel happy again and I needed to find the right people to guide me in the right direction. 

Those panic attacks that I have talked about before would not go away.  They had taken over my life, and I knew it was not time to give up on myself.  That's the gusto in me that my husband says he loves.  So, in January I drove through a snow storm for 30 miles and walked into a doctors office and said," I need help." And, I finally got a doctor to listen to me. It was time let go of doctors who did not care.  My blood pressure was very high and I felt like I had lost control of who I was.  I am very thankful for that day, as it has changed my life.  With the help of my therapist and the doctor I am much calmer these days and feel normal again.  I still have days that are challenging, but I know now that I have health professionals who can help me.

My husband surprised me that day in January, as I went to exit the doctor's office.  He was sitting in the waiting room.  He had come to support me and make sure I made it home safely.  It also changed his life, as he is now taking a more active part in his own health and finding people to help him.

My greatest advice to anyone dealing with a life threatening illnesses is find a doctor who is willing to listen.  You need a doctor that is willing not only to treat your illness, but help you manage the anxiety and pain that comes with it.  If they are unwilling to help by refering you to someone or asking you how they can help you, then you know it is time to walk away.  Life is too short  not to live in harmony and enjoy everyday.  Take care of yourself and remember you are the one who must never give up on yourself.

I love you always and forever my husband and of course, as I have learned from you.... I love me too!

Life is beautiful!!!

Elizabeth