I awoke early this morning and started tossing and turning. My husband is still sleeping and I laid there watching him and then decided to get up. I have been hibernating since Christmas as we are having a crappy winter. We just had another winter storm come through and for the first time in 34 years my husband was released from work early due to ice. I just looked out the window and we now have several inches of snow on ice along with 35 mile wind gust. The high today will be 15 degrees. I hate to rush life but I am ready for spring.
I am sitting here and I looked up to see my medal hanging off the corner of a picture from a half marathon in 2013. I remember how proud I was that I was able to finish. My husband and I walked it along with several thousand other people. It was for the LLS in San Antonio Tx. I am amazed that I was able to finish the walk. I remember how bad I felt for weeks after that and I now know it was the pernicious anemia working on me. My adrenline must have kicked in and allowed me to finish. I then completed a 10k walk in Cleveland in May of 2015. That was my last walk as I told my husband that I just couldn't do it anymore as I was extremely fatigued and hurt all over. The body is an amazing thing as I realize now how bad I felt.
I told my husband on New Years Eve that I couldn't believe how much better I felt since being treated for the B12 deficiency. Since my childhood I had had long stretches where I felt badly and I had adapted and did not know what it was like to feel good. Feeling bad was just a way of life. Now that I feel better I never want to feel that bad again.
I think about my mother and all her health problems and how badly she must have felt. She used to clutch her head.and cry because she felt extremely agitated My dad and I understand now the cognitive issues, peripheral Neuropathy, and Raynard's that she had were probably a result of her untreated pernicious anemia. A doctor had put her on steroids and it made her anxiety worse. She was on steroids for more than 10 years. No one ever checked her B12 levels that we know of. She also had Sjorgens disease and Rheumatoid Arthritis. I think her death traumatized the whole family. Perhaps a different outcome if someone had checked those B12 levels as she was diagnosed with low red blood cell count and a high MCV by a hematologist that dismissed her as he said he didn't know what was causing it. We can't turn back time but we can certainly learn from such a horrific death.
Her death certainly played a part in my anxiety during my husband's cancer journey and I believe that I was in denial about my own heath issues. I did not want anyone to die the way my mother did. I have spent the last six years of my life trying to heal my mind and body. My curious mind can rest now knowing that under all the suffering my mother endured she loved me. She was just beneath a mountain of pain.
Those smiles from god will surely be blooming this spring !
Life is beautiful !
Elizabeth:)
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