Jesus loves the little children, all the children of the world.... My mother use to sing that song to me when I was growing up. I can still hear her beautiful singing voice. It was a good memory that was triggered by a book I am reading. Two years ago I thought I would never have any good memories, but I held on to what a therapist taught me about replacing the bad memories with the good. All of the sudden I seem to be having a lot of the good memories. I have finally started to see past my mother's OCPD and I can see that she was a lovable person beyond her mental illness. It has taken a lot of work, but it has paid off. My mother would say God helps those who help themselves. I only wish she could have accepted that she had to help her own self, and accept that she needed medical help for her OCPD. I can not change the past, but I can educate myself about her illness so I can heal myself.
It was shortly after the death of my mother ten years ago that I sat up in bed one Sunday and told my husband I needed to go to church. It was as if God had spoke to me in my sleep and told me to get moving. The death of my mother had been so traumatic that it changed my life forever. In all the years I practiced as a nurse I had never seen such an awful death. I remember that my nephew was so traumatized that I had to hold him in my arms. For some reason beyond what I could think her death really had affected him. I was so relieved that she had passed due to the suffering she went through and I was devoid of any emotion for a long time. The last couple of years before she passed were extremely difficult as all the medications she was on were making her mental illness worse. Caring for her had left me feeling very alone. I realize now that by letting God into my life that I was not alone. He was there the whole time it just took me awhile to trust him.
That day that I went to church was the beginning of a long journey to the present. I had been tithing long before that day to help people all the way across the world. I also sponsored for a couple of years a little boy who had leukemia. His picture was on my nightstand for a long time. I still wonder
if he is alive today and I am praying that the answer is yes. So my tithing continued until my world started crumbling with my husbands relapsed cancer. Then the roles reversed and my friends and even people I would have ever expected helped us. Yes, I do believe that everything you give in life comes back to you. Yes everything comes back and then some. So, now it is time to give again and pay it forward. I am a believer that God does have a plan for us. I am starting to see that no matter how painful things are in our life God is holding our hand through it all.
I have talked about in some previous blog post that we meet all people in our life for a reason. The reason is because God placed them there to help us. We may not understand their purpose at first, but we eventually see how they helped to shape our life. As painful as somethings have been for my husband and I, our life has been changed for the better. I feel strong enough now to trust that God had a purpose for us. I am so grateful for all that everyone did to help us. And, I now understand that God loves me and that brings much peace to me.
So today I sat on the beach and let the waves splash on me and I was at peace. I listened to music on my iPod, as I watched the waves and people all around me having fun. The sky was blue and dotted with white clouds and the sun was steaming down. It was a beautiful day, and out of the corner of my eye I caught a glimpse of a girl turning cartwheels in the sand. Perhaps it was my mother as a young girl, as I remember another good memory of her. My mother was in her early forties sometime before her autoimmune diseases had wasted her away. She had let down her guard one summer day and for a brief moment I saw someone who was a carefree child that turned a cartwheel. It was a good memory of her, and perhaps the person she wanted to be. For a brief moment she was not trapped by her OCPD.
I hope as I start to pay it forward that people will see the stronger and new peaceful side of me. The person that is no longer afraid. Someone who now knows that God is always with me.
Life is beautiful !
Elizabeth:)
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