It is Monday mid morning and a new work week has started for most people. My week started with a wake up call from a dear family member. I could have ignored the call, but that caring side of me answered. The conversation was about medical issues and how to handle some situations that could potentially be brought up during a visit. The conversation led to why don't you come to the visit with me. I calmly said no and reassured the dear one that he needed to speak up for himself and explain to the doctor how he felt. Then without hesitation he reminded me that I am a nurse and I know what to say. I thought for only one second and replied that no I don't always know what to say. I could tell he was not happy with my response. I gave him an uplifting pep talk about how he could address his concerns and reminded him it was his life and he needed to speak for himself. I had mixed emotions about not tagging along with him, but I reminded myself that I had to take care of myself.
As I came downstairs with Laney following me, I felt the need to say the heck with everything and let my guard down. An English professor in college once told me that good writers will let down their guard and write from their heart. So today I'll let my heart talk.
I haven't cried for many months and this morning I felt so inclined to just cry my heart out. I hoped it would maybe make me feel better. I wasn't even sure why I was crying and perhaps it was just a release of tension. After the telephone conversation, I have to admit I am just tired of doctor office visits. I am very grateful for doctors, but I have spent way too much time in too many offices being the listening ears for loved ones and I am burned out. The wick is gone and I feel like a puddle of wax.
I was thrust into the caregiver position long before I became a nurse. My mother was ill most of my whole childhood and adulthood. Her philosophy was that I was to take care of her. From an early age I had way too much responsibility. She reminded me constantly that she was doing me a favor and teaching me how to care for others. She perhaps did not know how to care for herself. I have worked hard over the last several years to forgive her and I have learned the importance of taking care of myself. She passed away ten years ago and I do miss her. It saddens me that she was unable to learn how important it is to love yourself and take of yourself. I will always be sad that she was trapped in her own mindset and unable to find peace with herself.
She is not here for me to share with her the importance of loving myself and forgiving others. It makes me sad that she wasted a lot of her own life trapped by her own mind and refused care from health care professionals. I can not change her past, but I can make sure that I take care of myself and follow my dreams. I will never be able to share with her the things I have learned about making myself happy. I have forgave her for her hurtful words about how ashamed she was of me, but it is hard to forget spoken words especially from parents you trust to love you and take care of you. I realize now from my own therapy with health care professionals that she was dealing with mental health issues. I wish she had learned to trust her doctors when they tried to help her.
She is not here to for me to tell her that I still hear her voice and the demanding expectations she placed on me. I would have felt better if she could have said she was sorry, but she is no longer here and I have accepted that those harsh words and her anger towards other belonged to her. They don't have to belong to me. I love her and miss having a mother to share all those special moments in life.
My husband's journey with cancer played a major role in my willingness to let someone help me. I can see a bright spot in all the pain of the last couple of years. I trust in God that I have learned that all things good and bad happen for a reason. About a year ago at the dinner table my husband started to cry. I thought he was crying about having cancer. He told me he was sorry for all that he had put me through and he was worried about what would happen to me if cancer wins. I would like to remind him that he is the person who has taught me about loving myself and that I have been learning the importance of taking care of myself. The bright spot is that cancer taught us to learn to love life and change our thoughts. I think of how different my life could have been if I had asked for help sooner, but I am proud that my life is changing for the better now. My broken heart and mind are healing now.
I can't go back and change what I said or what happened over the years, but I can keep practicing forgiving myself and others. It is an everyday commitment to practice gratitude and bless all those who have been a part of my life. It is a life time commitment to work on self improvement and loving yourself. Happiness is felt when your mind is at peace. I feel peace right now as I end this blog post. I hope others can feel that peace also.
I pray that my mother is at peace and God has wrapped his loving arms around her. Thank you dad for loving me unconditionally and accepting me for my own uniqueness. Thank you my husband for learning to take care of yourself and loving me. Kisses and hugs to all of you !!
Life is beautiful when your mind is at peace !!
Elizabeth:)
No comments:
Post a Comment