Cancer Caregiver

I just read the statement a good cancer caregiver is            .  It was posted on the MD Anderson Cancer Center Face book page.  Although I have not had cancer,  I have been thrust into the cancer caregiver position more than once over the years.  Several of my family members have had cancer, including the love of my life, my husband.  I will answer this statement from my perspective of being the caregiver.

The job of cancer caregiver is not one that we choose to have when it is to care for someone we love passionately.  It is a job we are thrust into with no interview, no orientation, and no clue of the emotional impact it will leave on our life.  When you are in love your fight flight mode kicks in and you do everything you can to ease the heartache and pain your soul mate has.  Sometimes you don't know what to do and you feel if you have lost control of life.  It is the hardest job I have ever had.  I have taken care of thousands of people over the past 32 years as a registered nurse and the job of spouse caregiver has left me exhausted, heartbroken, and feeling all alone.  It has given me an understanding of the heartache my patient's families have endured.

As a nurse I was able to to be empathetic to my patients and yet their emotional impact did not remain with me.  Sometimes I connected with certain patients because it was just meant to be.  We all connect with certain people in life regardless if they are ill.  It's the law of attraction.  Regardless of how you become the caregiver it is a job that will test every aspect of your life.  I suggest you fasten your seat belt, because your adrenalin is going to kick in full force. 

So a good cancer caregiver is whatever you think it should be.  My husband has told me that I am his angel.  I have at times wondered how he felt that way about me, especially when my claws came out
and I morphed into someone who was going to lash out against anyone who was going to cause physical or emotional harm to he or me.  It was that fight flight mode to save him.  The same fight flight mode took a hold of him to get through the chemotherapy treatment.  It was as if we had gone to war against cancer.  At times I think we were at war with with each other.  We said things to each other that did not sound like two people in love.  We have been able to hold on to each other because I believe that love conquers all.  I chose to remember why we feel in love and realize that life is not without challenges.

I believe that a good cancer caregiver is someone who can stay strong and work through all the heartache.  For me it was surrendering and admitting that I needed help to accept emotionally what I can't control.  I am learning that no matter what anyone else thinks I am allowed to cry and have my own feelings. I can be grateful for my husband's survival and yet allow myself to have moments when I cry, because I am so overwhelmed.  I am working on taking care of my own needs.  I realize that I have met a challenge in life that has helped me appreciate everyday and love myself.

I can't speak for my husband in regards to what a good caregiver is.  I do know however that I get to choose to love him no matter what he thinks or others.  And, he gets to choose that I am his angel.  I hold onto something he said 15 years ago to me on the eve of his first chemotherapy treatment.  He said,  " No matter what happens to me, I will love you always and forever."  He is still here to remind me of that, as he continues to leave me love notes everyday.

I know there will be days ahead where my claws will surface and the fight flight mode will kick in.  It can be expected when in love.  So if you see me and I don't seem quite right, remember that the claws are a disguise, because according to my husband I am an angel. 

"I love you always and forever!"  Life is beautiful!!!

Elizabeth