I decided to let Ben and Jerry go for good. I cleaned out the freezer and decided the ice cream was too tempting and it has gone to the land fill. The five pounds I gained eating the addicting ice cream is going to be the hardest to loose. Now that I am older the weight gain is so easy to put on and so hard to get rid of. I have stepped up the exercise and two pounds have gone but the next five are going to be hard. I want to get it off before my son's wedding in about eight weeks. I am up for the challenge and my motto is never say never. I am a strong person with determination.
I never thought I would be an emotional eater, but when you are going through tough times food seems to help. I remember the days of youth when I could eat anything and not gain a pound. I know that I have to give up Ben and Jerry. I still love my vegetables and fruit so I am blessed.
I have made it through the grieving for Laney and I have adjusted to the empty nest. I don't have any excuses now to indulge in sweets with no nutritional value. I have let go of the bad karma and my past and I feel so at peace with life. I created my own support group and they are wonderful people. It was a long process to get here today, but worth every step of the way. Our lives get filled with hurt and mistrust, but with the process of changing our thoughts to positive ones we can have a happy future.
One of my positive thoughts is of the flowers that were so beautiful around the cancer center. They were incredibly uplifting and they make me fill inspired about living. My husband and I both agree that despite what he was going through with his health that the warm weather, flowers, palm trees, and many things to see and do created some nice memories for us to focus on. These memories included Laney also, because she was there with us to enjoy the memories. We will focus on these memories and push the bad ones away.
We did learn from the experiences in life and that is all we can expect. Life is too precious to waste thinking of things that hurt. Sorry Ben and Jerry you are no longer in my life. I can make it without you. Arrivederci !
Life is beautiful !!!!
Elizabeth:)
Thursday, July 27, 2017
Friday, July 21, 2017
Valadating Our Own Emotional Needs To Live Mentally Healthy
Today is Friday and the weekend is here and for most people that means time to let loose and have some fun. Yes, It is TGIF!! I know my husband is counting down the hours at work after many years he will tell you straight up that he is burned out. It happens to a lot of people no matter what the occupation.
So I thought a little humor will start the weekend off. I ended my affair with Tom and Jerry. I told them they were no longer allowed in my life and my husband was so understanding of them and allowed me to have the affair. Ben and Jerry have been feeding my emotional problems by supplying me with strawberry shortcake. It was so rich and creamy and I was addicted. In case you are wondering Ben and Jerry is the name of the ice cream that has brought much comfort to me for the last three years. I don't drink alcohol and I don't do drugs so I did Ben and Jerry. I have been without them for two weeks.
I left them locked in the freezer and I could hear them hollering what the F#$k. I left them their just for an emergency. You know just in case I fall off the wagon. I hope I can remain clean. I have lost two of the five pounds they caused me to gain. I guess if I had to have a vice it wasn't as bad as some that I can think of.
I have to give Ben and Jerry credit for delicious ice cream. I tried many different brands, but they were my addiction at a high price. I had to let the dairy fat go. The sugar was making me crave more sugar. The first few days was tough, but I made it. I switched over to some low carb fruit.
Thank you Ben and Jerry for validating my emotional needs and getting me through the tough times. We need to let loose sometimes and take care of ourselves. Have a great weekend!
Life is beautiful !!
Elizabeth:)
So I thought a little humor will start the weekend off. I ended my affair with Tom and Jerry. I told them they were no longer allowed in my life and my husband was so understanding of them and allowed me to have the affair. Ben and Jerry have been feeding my emotional problems by supplying me with strawberry shortcake. It was so rich and creamy and I was addicted. In case you are wondering Ben and Jerry is the name of the ice cream that has brought much comfort to me for the last three years. I don't drink alcohol and I don't do drugs so I did Ben and Jerry. I have been without them for two weeks.
I left them locked in the freezer and I could hear them hollering what the F#$k. I left them their just for an emergency. You know just in case I fall off the wagon. I hope I can remain clean. I have lost two of the five pounds they caused me to gain. I guess if I had to have a vice it wasn't as bad as some that I can think of.
I have to give Ben and Jerry credit for delicious ice cream. I tried many different brands, but they were my addiction at a high price. I had to let the dairy fat go. The sugar was making me crave more sugar. The first few days was tough, but I made it. I switched over to some low carb fruit.
Thank you Ben and Jerry for validating my emotional needs and getting me through the tough times. We need to let loose sometimes and take care of ourselves. Have a great weekend!
Life is beautiful !!
Elizabeth:)
Tuesday, July 18, 2017
Learning To Be Your Own Patient Advocate
I try to write from my heart and be honest about what is really bothering me. They say the truth will set you free. We all remember the bad things that happen to us and to hold them internally only let's them live forever in us. It is like a disease that festers inside until it eats you alive. I always encouraged people to talk about what is really bothering them. I have found that talking to others about the things that hurt so much decreases their ability to grow inside of me. Other people's perspectives allow me to see things in a different light. Journaling let's me see my own thoughts and sometimes rereading my posts' allows me to view situations from a different perspective. It diffuses situations and allows me to let go of the burden of keeping them inside.
As time goes on my vulnerability to the trauma of cancer has weakened and the external world no longer feels as a threat. I am still working on my own internal threat. We are our own worse critic and judge ourselves more than anyone. We look to others to understand why the pain is still there. I read stories from other caregivers and I see my reflection in their stories and I know that I am not alone. I have a few more things to write about that possibly could have made this journey a little less traumatic.
I was taught as most are to follow the rules set forth at a job or an institution where I am seeking help or services. They are standards set by administration and departments to safeguard people and insure that they get the best quality care. I am referring to the patient advocates provided at hospitals or cancer centers. They are people that help you with situations that occur and they try to help you make good decisions about your care. They have a set of standards that they follow and they provide the patient with a set of standards they expect the patient to follow.
My husband and I had some things that were of very much importance to us while he was in treatment for cancer. . We were scared as any cancer patients are and we thought that we were confiding with a patient advocate who would help us. We had asked to speak with the doctor after my husband's first treatment appointment, as I am not a fan of letting others speak for me. It seems from the experience we have had people say things that misrepresented us. I have learned a valuable lesson to never let a patient advocate speak for me when I am not present. If they can not accompany my husband and I to an appointment then they will not have the right to represent us. We learn from our mistakes and we will never let one of the advocates tell us again that we are not to ask any questions to the doctor or question the treatment. My husband and I in our vulnerable state let the advocate represent the institution and the doctor. He broke our confidentiality and he did not allow us to form a trusting relationship with the doctor. We tried to do the right thing and we never said anything about the character of any worker at the center. We did state some concerns about remarks that were made to us and we did not understand them.
We did not know if and when the advocate had spoke with the doctor, because he never returned our calls or followed up with us. We did however figure out by remarks from staff and doctor that he had told them something. I feel a great mistrust being represented by someone's interpretation of our pain. We were the people that were present when the unpleasant situations occurred and we did not deserve for a patient advocate to tell their version of the story without us and the other parties present..
I am not sure I understand the mentality of not letting a patient speak to the doctor. The doctor is the person prescribing what is happening with our life. We only get one chance with life and we better pick someone that we trust and feel that they can help us get through the scary and hard times. We were told on several occasions not to ask the doctor any questions. However on one occasion after the second treatment my husband did question the doctor about one of the drugs he was taking and my husband was afraid of the drug. The doctor seemed abrupt with his answer and his facial expression along with tone of voice struck a dislike in both of us. I can always read my husband's face and I felt his uncomfortable state of mind and we both left the office that day feeling very uneasy. My husband asked me not to say anything as he felt he was at the mercy of the doctor and he was scared. So, I stopped speaking and tried to discuss my fears at support groups.
After a long thought I have come to my own conclusion based on other remarks from the doctor that he wanted his only job to be prescribing the chemotherapy. He is however the person who took away all my husband's privileges of seeing a PA and the visits with the PA between doctor visits. We however did not ask for that. We asked if when my husband had cardiology appointments he could see the cardiologist, because we were told after the initial visit he would be seen by which ever PA was on call . We would be seeing someone quite often as n=my husband was having his heart monitored while under chemo treatment. We were told the cardiologist only did the initial visits. My husband had had a bad experience in the past with a PA at home and he felt very uneasy about that decision. Whenever you get too many people involved in the care of someone there is greater chance of mistakes and very confusing for the patient. I am sorry if our oncologist did not like the request, but it did not have anything to do with he or his coworkers in the Lymphoma department.
I wish that I could go back and change things, but the past is gone and the trusting relationship was broken. Despite three years of difficult times my husband is doing well and that was our goal. We have learned a lot about being our own advocate and we know now that we need to feel comfortable with the doctor to speak about the treatment that is affecting our life, so that we will have the best quality life. Our insurance company had no problems paying for the expertise of the doctor.
We have had our eyes opened to the broken medical profession. We are sorry that doctors are overwhelmed by the amount of patients they see and all the rules and regulations set forth by administrators, insurance companies, and the government. The only people that can change this is the doctors who speak up. They hold the key to change the system and demand that they see less patients. If they are not heard by administrators and people making choices for them, then they will have to make the choice of whether to continue to work under pressure or find another place to practice. The patient deserves a doctor who will listen to them and has a vested interest in making sure that the patient's quality of life is being respected.
On a happy note my husband has a cardiologist that said something recently that really helped him to get back to living. He said, "I am the doctor and let me do the worrying and figure out what is best for you, so you can enjoy life. " Amen to that.!
So, I have dumped the last of heartache of this journey and my husband and I are focusing on a new journey called retirement. It is going to be a couple of more years, but the planning has begun and the new goals give us purpose and an exciting journey called living.
Life is beautiful !
Elizabeth:)
As time goes on my vulnerability to the trauma of cancer has weakened and the external world no longer feels as a threat. I am still working on my own internal threat. We are our own worse critic and judge ourselves more than anyone. We look to others to understand why the pain is still there. I read stories from other caregivers and I see my reflection in their stories and I know that I am not alone. I have a few more things to write about that possibly could have made this journey a little less traumatic.
I was taught as most are to follow the rules set forth at a job or an institution where I am seeking help or services. They are standards set by administration and departments to safeguard people and insure that they get the best quality care. I am referring to the patient advocates provided at hospitals or cancer centers. They are people that help you with situations that occur and they try to help you make good decisions about your care. They have a set of standards that they follow and they provide the patient with a set of standards they expect the patient to follow.
My husband and I had some things that were of very much importance to us while he was in treatment for cancer. . We were scared as any cancer patients are and we thought that we were confiding with a patient advocate who would help us. We had asked to speak with the doctor after my husband's first treatment appointment, as I am not a fan of letting others speak for me. It seems from the experience we have had people say things that misrepresented us. I have learned a valuable lesson to never let a patient advocate speak for me when I am not present. If they can not accompany my husband and I to an appointment then they will not have the right to represent us. We learn from our mistakes and we will never let one of the advocates tell us again that we are not to ask any questions to the doctor or question the treatment. My husband and I in our vulnerable state let the advocate represent the institution and the doctor. He broke our confidentiality and he did not allow us to form a trusting relationship with the doctor. We tried to do the right thing and we never said anything about the character of any worker at the center. We did state some concerns about remarks that were made to us and we did not understand them.
We did not know if and when the advocate had spoke with the doctor, because he never returned our calls or followed up with us. We did however figure out by remarks from staff and doctor that he had told them something. I feel a great mistrust being represented by someone's interpretation of our pain. We were the people that were present when the unpleasant situations occurred and we did not deserve for a patient advocate to tell their version of the story without us and the other parties present..
I am not sure I understand the mentality of not letting a patient speak to the doctor. The doctor is the person prescribing what is happening with our life. We only get one chance with life and we better pick someone that we trust and feel that they can help us get through the scary and hard times. We were told on several occasions not to ask the doctor any questions. However on one occasion after the second treatment my husband did question the doctor about one of the drugs he was taking and my husband was afraid of the drug. The doctor seemed abrupt with his answer and his facial expression along with tone of voice struck a dislike in both of us. I can always read my husband's face and I felt his uncomfortable state of mind and we both left the office that day feeling very uneasy. My husband asked me not to say anything as he felt he was at the mercy of the doctor and he was scared. So, I stopped speaking and tried to discuss my fears at support groups.
After a long thought I have come to my own conclusion based on other remarks from the doctor that he wanted his only job to be prescribing the chemotherapy. He is however the person who took away all my husband's privileges of seeing a PA and the visits with the PA between doctor visits. We however did not ask for that. We asked if when my husband had cardiology appointments he could see the cardiologist, because we were told after the initial visit he would be seen by which ever PA was on call . We would be seeing someone quite often as n=my husband was having his heart monitored while under chemo treatment. We were told the cardiologist only did the initial visits. My husband had had a bad experience in the past with a PA at home and he felt very uneasy about that decision. Whenever you get too many people involved in the care of someone there is greater chance of mistakes and very confusing for the patient. I am sorry if our oncologist did not like the request, but it did not have anything to do with he or his coworkers in the Lymphoma department.
I wish that I could go back and change things, but the past is gone and the trusting relationship was broken. Despite three years of difficult times my husband is doing well and that was our goal. We have learned a lot about being our own advocate and we know now that we need to feel comfortable with the doctor to speak about the treatment that is affecting our life, so that we will have the best quality life. Our insurance company had no problems paying for the expertise of the doctor.
We have had our eyes opened to the broken medical profession. We are sorry that doctors are overwhelmed by the amount of patients they see and all the rules and regulations set forth by administrators, insurance companies, and the government. The only people that can change this is the doctors who speak up. They hold the key to change the system and demand that they see less patients. If they are not heard by administrators and people making choices for them, then they will have to make the choice of whether to continue to work under pressure or find another place to practice. The patient deserves a doctor who will listen to them and has a vested interest in making sure that the patient's quality of life is being respected.
On a happy note my husband has a cardiologist that said something recently that really helped him to get back to living. He said, "I am the doctor and let me do the worrying and figure out what is best for you, so you can enjoy life. " Amen to that.!
So, I have dumped the last of heartache of this journey and my husband and I are focusing on a new journey called retirement. It is going to be a couple of more years, but the planning has begun and the new goals give us purpose and an exciting journey called living.
Life is beautiful !
Elizabeth:)
Thursday, July 6, 2017
The Rain Has A Purpose
I am sitting here in the dark and it is 10:30 am. The only light is the glow of the computer screen. We are having a thunder storm that is dropping a lot of rain, and I mean heavy, hard, and steady rain. It is beating my flowers. I tried to take some pictures of it. The weather forecast is showing rain for all day.
The rain is God's way of cleaning the earth and feeding the land. Everything from the grass to flowers and garden are green and growing well this summer. We have had pop up showers on and off for the last month.
My motivation to do something today has dwindled. I am feeling lost without Laney. She would have been curled up in my lap. I have been missing her very much these days. I am trying To focus on finding a new purpose in life. My life as caregiver has been quiet and I have had more time to focus on myself. I am almost afraid to say that as not to jinx myself. It makes me happy that the men in my life are doing well and enjoying life.
I would like to think in some small way that my writing has been part of a purpose in my life. Perhaps it has made a difference in someone's life. I can hear thunder perhaps God is saying yes to the writing.
The rain continues and if it keeps up there will possibly be flooding in areas. I guess I'll turn on the lights and embrace a day of rest.
Life is beautiful even when the sun doesn't shine !
Elizabeth:)
My motivation to do something today has dwindled. I am feeling lost without Laney. She would have been curled up in my lap. I have been missing her very much these days. I am trying To focus on finding a new purpose in life. My life as caregiver has been quiet and I have had more time to focus on myself. I am almost afraid to say that as not to jinx myself. It makes me happy that the men in my life are doing well and enjoying life.
I would like to think in some small way that my writing has been part of a purpose in my life. Perhaps it has made a difference in someone's life. I can hear thunder perhaps God is saying yes to the writing.
The rain continues and if it keeps up there will possibly be flooding in areas. I guess I'll turn on the lights and embrace a day of rest.
Life is beautiful even when the sun doesn't shine !
Elizabeth:)
Monday, July 3, 2017
Happy Birthday To Me
Happy Birthday to me ! It has been a wonderful and beautiful sunny day. I received a lot of birthday wishes from family and friends. Spent the day relaxing and enjoying the peacefulness of an empty nest home. My husband had to work and it allowed me to do absolutely nothing but pamper myself.
My son cooked dinner for me last night at his new home and he made sure I had my strawberry short cake. It is a wonderful birthday knowing that both my children are employed with successful careers and both own their own homes. What more could a mom ask for. Now I will just have to wait for the grand kids. Hint, Hint!
Going to the city fireworks tonight and celebration for the fourth of July. The city always has fireworks on the 3rd. I always say they are for me. Happy Birthday to me and America !
Life is beautiful !!!
Elizabeth:)
My son cooked dinner for me last night at his new home and he made sure I had my strawberry short cake. It is a wonderful birthday knowing that both my children are employed with successful careers and both own their own homes. What more could a mom ask for. Now I will just have to wait for the grand kids. Hint, Hint!
Going to the city fireworks tonight and celebration for the fourth of July. The city always has fireworks on the 3rd. I always say they are for me. Happy Birthday to me and America !
Life is beautiful !!!
Elizabeth:)
Saturday, July 1, 2017
A Simple Life Is Less Stressful
It is hard to believe that today is July 1st and I am now two days shy of another birthday. We are also three days shy of celebrating the America's birthday. Happy Four of July! The years are slipping by quickly and sometimes I feel like I am running out of time for living.
My husband and I spent the first part of last week camping. It is a good stress buster if you want to get back to enjoying nature. Camping in the woods takes you away from cell phones, TV, and internet. You are in touch with the person you are camping with and the forest animals. We were hiking, bike riding, and fishing. The sound of the birds waking you up is like a chorus. It did get a little chilly in our tent as the lows were 50 degrees. I was buried under a sleeping bag and a heavy down comforter. The days however were perfect with a low 70 degrees. It is always good to get away from our high technology world and rat race.
After camping we took a few days and visited Amish country. I always refer to it as God's little heaven. The beautiful rolling green hills and beautiful flowers along with wonderful home cooked food is a definite way to relax. The Amish people are very gracious and they bring us back to a simpler life of peace and tranquility. They remind us to get in touch with our spirituality and faith. There were a lot of beautiful smiles from God everywhere.
We met some older people in Amish country that were great historians and they were a delight to talk to. They were of the Mennonite religion as well as Amish religion. My father's early ancestors from Germany and Austria were Mennonites and had settled in Pennsylvania and eventually migrated to Ohio. It was exciting to learn the differences of these two prominent religions. The Mennonites are of a more modern culture and allow modern way of living and dressing. My dad's family does not follow the Mennonite religion, but it was interesting to learn the values of our ancestors.
It was a relaxing week and I would recommend both camping and Amish country to everyone. We live in such a stressful world and we need to remember where we came from. I personally did not miss any of our fast paced technology world. The simpler way of living is way less stressful. Connecting with people face to face is much more exciting and comforting to our souls. We need to teach everyone to live a bit more simple.
Life is beautiful !!
Flowers are smiling all around you !
Elizabeth:)
My husband and I spent the first part of last week camping. It is a good stress buster if you want to get back to enjoying nature. Camping in the woods takes you away from cell phones, TV, and internet. You are in touch with the person you are camping with and the forest animals. We were hiking, bike riding, and fishing. The sound of the birds waking you up is like a chorus. It did get a little chilly in our tent as the lows were 50 degrees. I was buried under a sleeping bag and a heavy down comforter. The days however were perfect with a low 70 degrees. It is always good to get away from our high technology world and rat race.
After camping we took a few days and visited Amish country. I always refer to it as God's little heaven. The beautiful rolling green hills and beautiful flowers along with wonderful home cooked food is a definite way to relax. The Amish people are very gracious and they bring us back to a simpler life of peace and tranquility. They remind us to get in touch with our spirituality and faith. There were a lot of beautiful smiles from God everywhere.
We met some older people in Amish country that were great historians and they were a delight to talk to. They were of the Mennonite religion as well as Amish religion. My father's early ancestors from Germany and Austria were Mennonites and had settled in Pennsylvania and eventually migrated to Ohio. It was exciting to learn the differences of these two prominent religions. The Mennonites are of a more modern culture and allow modern way of living and dressing. My dad's family does not follow the Mennonite religion, but it was interesting to learn the values of our ancestors.
It was a relaxing week and I would recommend both camping and Amish country to everyone. We live in such a stressful world and we need to remember where we came from. I personally did not miss any of our fast paced technology world. The simpler way of living is way less stressful. Connecting with people face to face is much more exciting and comforting to our souls. We need to teach everyone to live a bit more simple.
Life is beautiful !!
Flowers are smiling all around you !
Elizabeth:)
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